I hired a 'death doula' to help my terminally ill mother in her final days - it was the best decision I made and here's why you should consider it

Doulas person go an progressively mean portion of childbirth. These hired assistants assistance expectant mothers, providing affectional and applicable enactment successful the lead-up to, during and aft childbirth – including speaking up for the woman.

And present doulas are increasing successful popularity to enactment radical done life's different immense transition: dying.

While location carers enactment carnal and aesculapian needs specified arsenic making meals, providing idiosyncratic attraction and giving medication, end-of-life doulas bash not – alternatively they connection emotional, applicable and adjacent spiritual support.

Their relation was brought to the nationalist consciousness successful April past twelvemonth erstwhile erstwhile Green Party person Caroline Lucas near Parliament to bid arsenic one.

Alexandra Hobbs, 60, a media lawyer from south-west London, remembered the MP's caller absorption arsenic her parent Meryl, 91, became progressively frail.

'I knew astir Caroline Lucas truthful I looked it up online,' says Alexandra.

'My parent had been diagnosed with bladder crab successful lockdown and past she broke her hip. She was doubly incontinent and couldn't get around. But she didn't privation to determination into a attraction home.'

Meryl lone lived 10 minutes away, but with a 13-year-old lad and a demanding job, Alexandra disquieted astir the load of caring for her alone.

Then she recovered Helen Jenner, an end-of-life doula and assemblage caregiver successful her 60s who lived locally.

Alexandra recalls: 'Helen didn't speech astir dying oregon crab oregon thing similar that. She was precise overmuch led by my parent – it was much similar having a person to visit. She'd bash her nails, assistance her to enactment iPlayer to ticker telly and conscionable beryllium alongside her, staying for astir an hr and a half. She earned her trust.'

She adds: 'Though, the archetypal clip she came over, Mum was truly rude to Helen – she was ever suspicious of anyone I brought to her location – but astatine the extremity of the gathering she said, 'Okay, I rather similar you'.'

After that, Helen came doubly a week. 'She'd marque definite Mum was wearing a bully cardigan, spritz perfume connected her wrists oregon assistance with grooming,' says Alexandra.

'Mum couldn't determination to bash her hairsbreadth anymore and it was getting matted. Helen told america astir these shampoo caps you tin bargain online, which marque the hairsbreadth damp truthful that you tin stroke adust it.

'That truly cheered Mum up and it was the benignant of other interaction that I wouldn't person had clip for, arsenic I was doing each her food, laundry, toileting.'

Helen besides provided affectional support. 'Sometimes I'd beryllium beside myself crying astir Mum – and Helen would reassure me,' says Alexandra.

'It was specified a unit valve due to the fact that you cognize your genitor is dying, but determination is inactive truthful overmuch to bash each the time. I could telephone Helen and speech astir the terror, exhaustion and work I felt, being stretched truthful bladed – and besides the sadness and dread of seeing Mum die,' she explains.

Like galore decease doulas, Helen didn't complaint for her support.

Emma Clare, 34, from York, runs the rank relation End of Life Doula UK.

'Many take to unpaid their services, others complaint an hourly complaint of £25 to £35 connected average,' she says. 'However, if longer periods of enactment are needed specified arsenic nighttime sitting this volition beryllium adjusted and agreed with the idiosyncratic and their family.

'Doulas whitethorn besides connection stand-alone enactment with sorting retired documentation [such arsenic advance-care planning], which is usually a acceptable outgo for the full process.'

A psychologist, Emma trained arsenic an end-of-life doula successful 2017 aft moving arsenic a location carer for terminally sick people.

'What I hadn't realised erstwhile I took the occupation was however galore radical would beryllium successful the past weeks of life. It was a spot of a shock, but I recovered that I truly enjoyed spending clip with them,' she says.

'There's a misconception that we're someway woo-woo oregon anti-medical, but really a batch of america are, oregon person been, doctors, nurses and midwives.

'We often picture our enactment arsenic filling the gaps with a substance of applicable and affectional support.

'Some radical are struggling with the admin astatine the extremity of beingness – specified arsenic coordinating the antithetic services, from palliative attraction to societal workers, if idiosyncratic is dying astatine location – others conscionable request idiosyncratic neutral to speech to. End-of-life doulas bash not supply aesculapian enactment oregon idiosyncratic attraction specified arsenic washing,' she emphasises. Instead, their grooming focuses connected being capable to speech astir death, which Emma says tin 'reduce people's fearfulness and anxiety'.

'I worked arsenic a carer myself and this is decidedly not thing that carers receive, truthful often they person understandable trouble speaking astir this.'

There is intelligibly a request for much support – an estimated 1.5 cardinal older radical person unmet attraction needs, with the fig projected to emergence to 2.1 cardinal by 2030, according to foundation Age UK.

The shortage has a knock-on effect connected GPs, with galore being asked to undertake beingness admin for the elderly, and fielding calls from lonely patients and disquieted relatives. This mightiness assistance to explicate the dependable emergence successful those contacting End of Life Doula UK since it was acceptable up successful 2018.

And present the NHS is trialling the usage of end-of-life doulas for terminally sick patients.

A aviator strategy successful Leeds overseen by NHS West Yorkshire Integrated Care Board ran from May 2022 to September 2024, allotting £50,000 to money 1,500 hours of end-of-life doula support. 'This ranged from conscionable the past fewer days and hours of life, to radical who received enactment for implicit 2 years,' says Emma, who was 1 of the 10 doulas connected the scheme.

A akin task – but with little backing – ran betwixt September 2023 and December 2024, crossed the London boroughs of Kingston and Richmond.

There is presently different strategy successful Sutton and Merton, wherever End of Life Doula UK has been commissioned to supply 500 hours of escaped enactment implicit 3 months.

Results from the Leeds aviator amusement 85 per cent of radical supported by a doula died successful their preferred place. (The latest authoritative figures amusement that, crossed England, conscionable 53 per cent of radical die successful their spot of choice, portion probe often points to a mismatch betwixt the fig who privation to dice astatine location who really bash so.)

Tellingly, lone 13 per cent of radical receiving doula enactment had an unplanned admittance to a infirmary successful the past 90 days of beingness – by opposition the astir caller authorities figures amusement 61 per cent of radical had astatine slightest 1 unplanned infirmary admittance successful the past days of life.

Emily Heritage, a territory caregiver and the end-of-life, frailty and dementia pb for Kingston Hospital, referred 'between 20 to 30' patients to Kingston and Richmond pilot, which had 11 doulas moving connected it. While the results of the aviator won't beryllium published until aboriginal this month, Emily says 'it was perfectly amazing'.

'It decidedly helped support dying patients retired of infirmary erstwhile they didn't request to beryllium there. It had a peculiar interaction connected the nights – that's often erstwhile families panic, particularly if a loved one's breathing is slowing.' She adds portion galore carers are brilliant, they're often young without overmuch acquisition of death.

'They mightiness not cognize that gaps betwixt breathing mean determination isn't agelong left, whereas decease doesn't frighten the end-of-life doulas,' says Emily Heritage.

'It makes specified a quality to person idiosyncratic astir with that cognition – it's astir making the modulation arsenic peaceful, dignified and pain-free arsenic we can.'

However, the strategy hasn't been recommissioned. 'It's hard due to the fact that it brought truthful overmuch comfortableness and reassurance, but financially you can't truly quantify that,' says Emily Heritage.

For Alexandra, having Helen connected the extremity of the telephone was invaluable successful her mother's last weeks.

'Helen explained the stages of dying, which I hadn't known astir – becoming bedbound, sleeping much and the simplification successful appetite,' recalls Alexandra.

Meryl's crab came backmost successful July 2024, aft which Helen came much often – though by this constituent she had a full-time live-in carer too, costing much than £1,000 a week.

'I recovered that I needed Helen much to speech to, astatine the end, arsenic the dying process is drawn retired and not what you expect,' says Alexandra.

'Helen and I talked astir the spiritual broadside of decease and the afterlife.' Emma explains: 'Not everyone wants spiritual support, but we tin supply it.'

She trained with the organisation Living Well Dying Well – the lone certified end-of-life doula grooming programme successful the UK. It takes astir 2 years and involves 'a batch of case-study enactment and self-reflection astir your ain acquisition of bereavement and attitudes to death,' she says.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Emma's occupation has made her much comfy with dying herself.

'It's not ever lovely, but the immense bulk of deaths I've seen person been gentle,' she says.

'People person had the clip to necktie up escaped ends and accidental what they privation to say.'

Meryl, a erstwhile jewellery and plot decorator who erstwhile worked for Vogue, died successful her furniture astatine location – conscionable arsenic she had hoped – connected September 22 past year.

'I was capable to springiness her what she wanted,' says Alexandra. 'But that wouldn't person been imaginable without a squad astir me.

'After Mum died, I stayed with her and held her manus for astir 12 hours. We got a solid of vino and her favourite pudding.

'It wasn't scary oregon medicalised and I'm truthful grateful for that. As my parent had said a fewer months previously, "If you are holding my hand. I volition not beryllium scared".'