Don't have heart-to-hearts before 9pm, turn YOUR mobile off... and a simple ploy to get them to eat healthily. Must-read tips for every parent from a brilliant new book on improving your relationship with your teenagers

We unrecorded successful a clip of immense interest astir our teenagers – from fears of a mobile phone-obsessed adolescence to concerns astir an offline satellite of bullying and drugs. 

But what if we parents don't request to beryllium truthful fearful? What if our teenagers are a acquisition we tin each larn from?

'Teenagers a gift? More similar a nightmare!' you whitethorn beryllium thinking. Moody. Snappy.

Communicating via the occasional WhatsApp from a darkened room.

But I judge raising my 5 children successful an anxious property has led to galore gifts for maine – learning however to enactment calm, for 1 thing. Another is the accidental to link with them arsenic young adults and found a full caller relationship.

No genitor tin ever not interest astatine each and I've had plentifulness of heart-stopping moments connected what has been, inevitably, a choppy ride.

But my purpose – done the gathering of accrued understanding, person connections and amended relationships – is to assistance bring your parental anxiousness levels down from an 8 oregon 9 retired of 10 to a much manageable 3 oregon four, and instrumentality your enjoyment levels up to an 8 oregon nine. If our teenagers are genuinely to beryllium a acquisition to us, we request to dial down the worry.

Here, I connection ideas connected however we, arsenic parents and carers, mightiness spell astir doing this...

THE TEENAGE BRAIN

Until astir 15 years agone neuroscientists believed that astir of our encephalon improvement happens successful the archetypal fewer years of life.

But much recently, encephalon scans person shown that teenagers acquisition a play of aggravated alteration starting astatine astir property 11 and lasting until the mid-20s.

In general, teen girls' brains make faster than those of boys. In boys, connections to the prefrontal lobe – the spot of the encephalon associated with logical reasoning and regulating impulses – are, connected average, astir 2 years down those of girls. This makes galore teenagers susceptible to online scams and liable to melodramatic changes of mind. It's a clip erstwhile dyeing your hairsbreadth blue, smoking weed oregon ordering an ear-piercing kit online feels sensible.

It's not their responsibility and there's nary request to blasted them for mediocre impulse control. Our relation is to effort to make the healthiest situation successful which their malleable and ever-changing brains tin develop.

RISK-TAKING

Taking risks for today's teenagers is little astir sex, drugs and stone 'n' rotation and much astir societal media and the online world.

The still-maturing 'brake' circuitry astatine the beforehand of the encephalon whitethorn beryllium overwhelmed by the 'accelerator' region, compromising teens' decision-making ability. This is wherefore young men are prepared to motion up arsenic soldiers.

Studies person shown teenagers equilibrium 'social risk' – whether they volition beryllium thrown retired of their adjacent radical – against the consequences of doing thing we arsenic adults mightiness deliberation dumb.

Brain imagery reveals that for teenagers, carnal information is little frightening than the fearfulness of losing look among their peers. Risk‑taking doubles for boys erstwhile their friends are astir but reduces if they are with girlfriends.

What to do: Guide teenagers towards thrills that volition assistance them turn – articulation a boxing club, audition for a schoolhouse play oregon tally a marathon.

With my children, I'd speech to them up astir risky situations, helping them to rehearse ways of ducking retired (blame it connected your mother!). I tried to get to cognize their friends and their friends' parents to acceptable communal rules astir risky behaviour.

LET THEM LIE IN

Most of a teenager's encephalon improvement happens astatine night. Sleep-deprived teens are little healthy, marque worse decisions and are astatine greater hazard of portion oregon cause abuse.

Most of america astir apt knew that. I didn't know, however, that adolescents merchandise the slumber hormone melatonin aboriginal successful the day, which means that they people enactment up aboriginal and get up aboriginal than adults

What to do: Let your children prevarication successful and let them to lucifer up with their earthy slumber patterns. Stop nagging them to get up successful the holidays, it's atrocious for their brains. And knowing their slumber patterns has a bully bonus arsenic it tin assistance you crippled erstwhile is simply a bully clip to chat. Peak wakefulness for teenagers tends to beryllium astir 9pm: an perfect accidental to get them to unfastened up.

CONNECTING TO A TEEN

Given the immaturity and volatility of their brains, teenagers request a precocious level of big guidance to marque affirmative and sensible choices. But the world is messy.

This is simply a confusing push-and-pull play for our relationship. One infinitesimal teenagers are independent, pushing america away; the adjacent vulnerable, pulling america close.

When our children are little, we, their parents oregon carers, are the centre of their world. Then, astatine astir the property of 12, things statesman to alteration and teenagers commencement to asseverate their independence.

They statesman to reason with us, uncovering responsibility with however we dress, however we sip our java (I slurped, it turned out). We tin beryllium embarrassing. Our rules look old-fashioned and silly. And arsenic for our politics!

In truth, during this signifier galore young radical are not adjacent definite they similar their parents immoderate more.

What to do: The bully quality is that retired of this struggle tin look a unsocial quality being, with ideas of their own, who is forging their individuality done each the antithetic interactions they're experiencing.

It would beryllium intolerable for our teenagers to go their existent selves if their parents continued to beryllium the centre of their world. Faced with a child's hostility oregon rejection, we should effort not to instrumentality the negativity personally.

Helping with applicable day-to-day worldly mightiness not look intimate oregon a mode to foster transportation – it's casual to consciousness nary much than a idiosyncratic assistant-cum-taxi driver.

But I recovered that these are ways to person pockets of clip together; it tin beryllium easier to foster transportation walking down the supermarket aisle chatting astir the virtues of 1 shampoo implicit different than it is astatine home.

Surprise your kid with invitations. We tin beryllium spending each day, each time with our kid and yet not convey the connection that we bask their company.

There are hundreds of ways to connect, and if 1 doesn't work, nary large deal, effort another. Make a constituent of putting your telephone aside, closing your laptop oregon pausing the TV erstwhile your teen is trying to prosecute with you.

Let your look amusement you are listening. One of mine, past 16, erstwhile said to me: 'There's virtually thing I admit much than erstwhile you power disconnected your telephone to speech to me.'

Build rituals into your day. Taking a canine retired unneurotic has proved a bully 1 for us. But don't hide determination are besides times you volition person to measurement backmost and permission them to it. Think of it arsenic a creation successful which we beryllium retired immoderate rounds. Only by facing their feelings themselves tin our children physique the coping skills they volition request down the road.

STAYING IN TOUCH

What genitor has not walked backmost downstairs, reeling from a teenager's slammed door, abruptly wrong-footed due to the fact that a taxable we thought they were good with present turns retired to beryllium off-limits?

Our narration with them tin change, fast. We nary longer cognize them successful the mode we erstwhile did arsenic tiny children erstwhile we understood what each laughter oregon teardrop genuinely meant.

According to 1 study, children commencement tuning retired their mother's dependable arsenic they participate adolescence due to the fact that they nary longer find it uniquely rewarding. Using MRI scans, researchers recovered that teenagers bash not neurobiologically registry their mother's dependable successful the mode that they did arsenic younger children – which is wherefore they disregard your plea to tidy their rooms.

Instead, from astir the property of 13, the reward circuits successful the teenage encephalon prioritise unfamiliar voices. And though this displacement is simply a motion of a steadfast brain, it makes connection harder. And past determination are mobile phones...

Conversation became adjacent harder successful our location erstwhile my children, whose ages scope from 21 to 30, started sporting small achromatic cordless earbuds, oregon wearing flamboyant, outsized headphones.

The older ones, who were little influenced by societal media, tended to beryllium chattier than the younger ones, who spent much clip online.

What to do: One attack is to thin into their interests, particularly their integer life.

Be funny astir the games they are playing, the euphony they are listening to, the videos they watch, the YouTube influencers they respect oregon the podcasts they are enjoying.

My beingness has been greatly enriched by knowing a spot much astir my children's interests. The integer property has narrowed the attraction span successful teens and adults alike. They, and we, are utilized to shorter interactions. A extremity present is to effort the five-minute chat. Naming and labelling the enactment successful this mode formalises it and tin marque it consciousness much special.

Say hullo to your teenage lad and inquire if helium has clip for 'a five-minute chat'. Begin with thing that happened to you contiguous to get things started. Then inquire however his time was.

You tin besides effort side-by-side conversations, for illustration sitting successful the car oregon connected a walk, alternatively than talking face-to-face: teenagers (especially boys) whitethorn find it hard to look radical successful the oculus erstwhile chatting. Avoid mentioning your relation arsenic their parent, and wantonness puerility nicknames.

CHALLENGING SITUATIONS

My beingness changed erstwhile I realised that my teenagers' challenging behaviour was a mode for them to pass what they were feeling. They were conscionable trying to archer maine thing for which they could not find words. It was not designed to punish maine personally.

Here's an example: I cooked 1 of my son's favourite pasta dishes for him. He didn't devour a thing. More than that, helium scraped the nutrient disconnected his sheet into the bin, enactment the sheet successful the dishwasher and went backmost to his room.

A younger mentation of myself mightiness person seen this arsenic spoilt brat behaviour. I went to the occupation of cooking for him and acold from being grateful, helium was rude. I mightiness adjacent person imagined that the rejection of the pasta was a rejection of me.

Now I realised that his not eating was not to bash with me. It was astir his emotions. About his narration with himself. Something was being communicated, successful a non‑verbal way.

Perhaps helium was feeling angry, oregon possibly sad. Maybe determination was thing helium needed. Or possibly helium conscionable wanted immoderate space.

While I was keen to cognize more, I couldn't unit connection betwixt us. I had to judge that astatine a clip of his ain choosing helium mightiness oregon mightiness not archer maine what was going on. For now, each I knew was that his behaviour meant thing was up.

What to do: The instrumentality is to link and pass with your teen successful the mode that suits them.

You, too, tin respond done your actions, not words: get them a cupful of java successful the morning, beryllium their taxi work from clip to time, enactment their favourite snack successful their packed lunch.

These are tiny acts of love, which talk of your affection.

Meanwhile determination is overmuch to beryllium said for carnal communication. Some teenagers respond champion to a hug, which reduces cortisol, the accent hormone.

Boys often tin find it easier to pass done touch, particularly with their fathers, beryllium that done mock wrestling oregon gentle jostling.

Don't instrumentality rejections personally. Be patient. Hang successful there. The much I've seen my children arsenic individuals with their ain destinies, the much our narration has improved. I person a property and truthful bash they.

Be honorable if you're imposing your wishes connected them: the sports-mad begetter who expects his lad to marque him arrogant connected the playing fields, oregon the chic parent who demands that a tomboy girl should travel her stylish example.

Our teenagers tin beryllium our teachers. They tin amusement america that the much we let them to beryllium the radical they are destined to be, abstracted from us, the much we, too, tin beryllium the radical we are, not conscionable narrowly boxed into our relation arsenic parents. They springiness america support to flourish successful recently autarkic ways.

DEFUSING A ROW

Despite each our champion efforts, conversations will, astatine times, beryllium fraught. This is simply a messy play of separation erstwhile it's mean to disagree, arsenic our teenagers forge their ain identities. Discussions get shouty and voices are raised.

What to do: If you tin consciousness a enactment brewing, you mightiness privation to measurement retired of trouble's mode by going into a antithetic room. Vent privately earlier you speech to your teen – going upstairs and punching a pillow tin disrupt choler mechanisms, brainsick arsenic that sounds!

If a enactment is unavoidable, absorption lone connected the substance successful hand. If it is astir however precocious they returned past night, don't besides kick astir however they ne'er listen, permission their rooms successful a messiness and walk excessively overmuch clip connected their phone.

Two techniques assistance maine to de-escalate. First, astatine the extremity of each sentence, I adhd a 'power pause'. I stop, breathe, and announcement immoderate escalation. Second, I database immoderate points of statement oregon appreciation alternatively of adding different grievances: a benignant of affirmative escalation/ In the lawsuit of a late-returning teen I mightiness accidental I appreciated the information that they had kept their telephone switched connected and that they had been apologetic. The nonstop words and the code successful which you usage them matter. Research suggests harsh words and excessive yelling are arsenic damaging arsenic carnal abuse.

One magic instrumentality is to statesman sentences with 'I'.

Let's ideate the statement is astir a teen staying retired precocious and you didn't cognize wherever they were. Focus connected your undeniable feelings alternatively than connected what whitethorn beryllium disputed facts. Instead of saying, 'You were retired until 4am and behaving successful an unacceptable way,' say, 'I don't consciousness comfy with not knowing wherever you are.'

It tin beryllium astonishing however good teenagers instrumentality it erstwhile you archer the information astir your ain feelings with sentences opening with that magical 'I'. We bash not person to beryllium soundless martyrs oregon emotionless robots.

BODY IMAGE

While societal media exertion is new, teenagers are inactive remarkably accepted astir what is deemed attractive. Being sporty and diversion makes for antheral popularity, portion being conventionally beauteous – specified arsenic being slim with agelong hairsbreadth – makes for pistillate success. Far from challenging convention, erstwhile it comes to appearance, teenagers are fundamentally blimpish – but inactive obsessed with their looks.

What to do: Talk with them astir the inauthenticity of integer images and however they are curated and edited. See if your teenagers tin admit that they, too, contiguous a sanitised mentation of themselves successful their ain societal media.

How they consciousness astir themselves and their quality volition people beryllium influenced by however we consciousness astir our ain bodies.

If you can, beryllium relaxed astir your ain nudity, specified arsenic erstwhile swimming oregon getting changed. One survey suggests that children who grew up astir nudity were much comfy with their bodies arsenic adults. They had somewhat amended levels of self-esteem and a much affirmative assemblage image.

Give your teen a scope of compliments, alternatively than focusing solely connected however they look – beryllium that kindness oregon courage, oregon skills from baking to remembering to locomotion the dog.

© Rachel Kelly 2025

Adapted from The Gift Of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less, by Rachel Kelly, to beryllium published by Short Books connected May 8, priced £16.99. To bid a transcript for £15.29 (offer valid to May 17; UK p&p escaped connected orders implicit £25) spell to mailshop.co.uk/books oregon call 020 3176 2937.