Cameron Esposito explains why bipolar disorder is her stand-up comedy 'superpower'

A batch of drama specials are made for america to beryllium and laughter astatine a comedian’s comic thoughts. In her latest special, Cameron Esposito wants to instrumentality things a measurement further by giving you a look wrong her brain. As a idiosyncratic diagnosed with bipolar upset astatine property 40, her caput offers a batch to unpack. But the extremity remains the aforesaid arsenic immoderate special: to laughter astatine thing we consciousness similar we’re not expected to lone to recognize we tin subordinate to a person’s struggles much than we think.

In her latest hour, “Four Pills,” premiering Friday via Dropout (formerly College Humor), the hilarious multi-hyphenate known for her acting connected the amusement “Take My Wife” and her podcast “Queery” has honed a caller position connected surviving with bipolar upset that forced her to instrumentality her 20 years of stand-up to the adjacent level by bringing fans into the deepest portion of her satellite for the archetypal time. Recently Esposito spoke to The Times astir surviving with bipolar upset and utilizing it arsenic her superpower successful comedy.

Every clip I watched “Four Pills” I got thing caller retired of it. I wanted to speech astir however you planned this special, due to the fact that it’s precise unique, intimate and subtle, yet besides ace artistic.

It is meant to beryllium art. Sadly, stand-up drama tin sometimes conscionable beryllium goofing astir — and it is. But also, I wanted it to consciousness similar the acquisition of a manic episode, which is what the peculiar is about. There’s meant to beryllium 3 sections wrong the special. The archetypal is conscionable the stand-up peculiar that you’re utilized to with much accepted camera angles. And past the 2nd enactment is erstwhile the camera shifts to being astir up my nose, which is meant to benignant of consciousness aggravated and a small panic-inducing. And past successful the 3rd enactment is filming successful beforehand of an all-white inheritance wherever the nine disappears and reappears arsenic I speech astir the acquisition of being medicated.

Regarding the rubric “Four Pills,” tin you speech astir what those 4 pills are that you instrumentality successful your mundane life?

So I was diagnosed with bipolar upset 3 years agone astatine 40, and I consciousness precise arrogant of my age. We emotion to beryllium a idiosyncratic who has experienced immoderate stuff. A batch of my beingness had been lived. And aft this diagnosis, I was fixed the enactment of being medicated. Bipolar upset has been my superpower — it’s fixed maine a batch of vigor and a batch of ideas. Also being medicated has allowed maine truthful overmuch much flexibility successful semipermanent goals. For instance, [it’s fixed me] stableness — which is really not the hallmark of the stand-up comic. But I instrumentality 4 pills, 1 is simply a temper stabilizer, which helps to shrink the spread betwixt the highs and lows successful my moods. And I besides instrumentality an anti-anxiety medicine that helps to code the large temper shifts up of time. And I instrumentality 2 antithetic things for sleeping — 1 is simply a slumber medication, and the different 1 is an anti-nightmare medication, which is truthful cool. It was primitively a medicine for epilepsy, and they recovered that it has applications for PTSD. So a batch of vets person entree to this medicine — veterans, not radical who enactment with dogs. I emotion that we person recovered that idiosyncratic tin code successful the brain. Are these recurring nightmares, due to the fact that slumber is precise important to maintaining unchangeable moods.

“Bipolar upset has been my superpower,” Esposito said. “It’s fixed maine a batch of vigor and a batch of ideas. Also being medicated has allowed maine truthful overmuch much flexibility successful semipermanent goals.”

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

This peculiar feels much similar a speech with the assemblage oregon the spectator astatine home. Were determination questions that you had from radical successful your beingness that person asked you astir bipolar upset that you wanted to code successful your caller material?

I volition beryllium honest, the idiosyncratic successful my beingness who had the slightest accusation astir bipolar upset but was affected by it the astir was me, due to the fact that I didn’t cognize thing astir bipolar upset anterior to being diagnosed, and it was a chaotic acquisition going and being evaluated by a psychiatrist, due to the fact that it was similar an hourlong evaluation, and helium didn’t adjacent person to archer maine astatine the end, “I deliberation you person bipolar disorder,” due to the fact that I answered “yes” to each the questions. And truthful I told him, “hey, conscionable FYI, I bash deliberation bipolar disorder.” And 1 happening that erstwhile I archetypal work it, I didn’t understand, but that [now makes] truthful overmuch much consciousness to maine since I’ve been medicated, is the operation “goes done beingness arsenic if driven by a motor.” And that is something, if I effort to explicate it to people, that I deliberation is truly helpful. The feeling of getting connected a roller coaster — and it’s beauteous amusive the archetypal clip you’re connected determination — but past it’s besides a fearfulness movie wherever the straps locked down and you tin ne'er get off. It’s conscionable a flood of encephalon chemicals that not everybody has. And it means that nary substance however exhausted [you are] oregon [if determination are] consequences successful your life, you can’t stop.

You mentioned earlier that you consciousness similar being bipolar is benignant of similar a “superpower.” Can you picture that a small more?

Yeah, I mean, the different happening that’s truly absorbing is of immoderate intelligence illness, and not to brag — well, possibly to brag — determination are the astir politicians, concern leaders, and palmy musicians oregon Hollywood stars that person this peculiar intelligence illness. Because erstwhile it’s moving for you, I mean, [there’s] nary request to sleep, [you have] a zillion ideas, charisma, nary fear. You don’t person the aforesaid fearfulness sensors and nary consciousness of consequences. So you mightiness instrumentality large risks, similar moving for bureau oregon starting your ain company, and if those wage off, it’s amazing. So there’s this line. There’s the truly affirmative and past the enactment that tin beryllium crossed implicit that says “oh no, this is starting to impact my beingness successful a antagonistic way, due to the fact that I can’t halt due to the fact that I’m taking excessively galore risks,” and a batch of times I deliberation radical tin transverse backmost and distant implicit that line, astatine slightest that was my experience.

“I volition beryllium honest, the idiosyncratic successful my beingness who had the slightest accusation astir bipolar upset but was affected by it the astir was me, due to the fact that I didn’t cognize thing astir bipolar upset anterior to being diagnosed,” Esposito said.

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

You speech astir your idiosyncratic relationships successful the peculiar beauteous aboriginal on, specifically astir getting divorced and besides uncovering emotion again. What’s it similar being a bipolar comedian who deals with it connected stage, but besides successful romanticist partnerships?

Well, I americium precise lucky, due to the fact that I judge the stats are thing similar 80% of radical with bipolar upset are not capable to support semipermanent romanticist relationships, and it’s due to the fact that for arsenic agelong arsenic I’ve been dating — and I started successful my teens — I’ve ever felt similar I was trying to find idiosyncratic who could support up with me, and what I yet realized is that actually, cipher can. They conscionable didn’t person those chemicals successful their brain. And truthful I deliberation the happening that is absorbing astir a romanticist narration — friendship, stableness — is that that longevity portion is not indispensable for stand-up astatine all. Because stand-up is each astir being successful the moment, adjusting to the nonstop country that you’re in. So again, successful presumption of talking astir crossing backmost and forth, it’s similar the happening that made maine truly large astatine dragging a rolling container into Portland and then, similar walking connected signifier fundamentally consecutive from the airport, and crushing besides made it look truthful hard for maine to beryllium married. Being medicated has conscionable afforded maine much options successful moving the quality betwixt those 2 person unneurotic arsenic opposed to being truly utmost 1 mode oregon the different — like, truly committed to a narration and past truly dipped retired and connected the road.

I get a consciousness of that duality a spot successful your special... going backmost to what we were talking with the displacement successful tones going from a nine setting, to a wholly achromatic room. What was down that idea? And however does it showcase the halfway of the special?

I’m successful this case, it was truthful cool, Dropout fto maine physique a fake stand-up nine — it would beryllium cheaper to sprout astatine a regular club, but I wanted to beryllium capable to power the nonstop camera angles and wherever the assemblage was placed, truthful that we could propulsion disconnected this thought of escalating vigor and being connected stage. Part of the crushed I chose this occupation also, is that being connected signifier really induces, similar a mini bipolar cycle. So literally, being connected signifier floods the encephalon with those chemicals, similar those precise affirmative endorphins, similar the feeling of moving out, oregon drugs, due to the fact that it besides is the aforesaid chemicals that hap erstwhile radical instrumentality cocaine. So being connected signifier and each those chemicals being released and the excitement of that, I wanted radical to consciousness that, and not conscionable consciousness it successful the mode erstwhile you’re shooting a peculiar and there’s similar a crane shot, and it’s precise acold backmost from the stage, and you’re getting this expansive feeling of stand-up, which is besides portion of what stand-up is. But stand-up erstwhile you’re watching it, my favourite happening is being successful the room. I’d similar that to watching the peculiar truthful I wanted it to consciousness similar being successful the room, similar being sat successful the beforehand row.

To get backmost to your question astir the change, the displacement successful code going into that abstraction successful the achromatic country wherever I’m wearing similar the aforesaid outfit, but it’s each achromatic and the microphone is white, is meant to consciousness similar the acquisition of being with myself and knowing myself, which is not thing that I antecedently was afforded. The easiest mode that I had to link with myself was successful connecting to an audience, due to the fact that I truly felt similar that vigor successful the country has been truthful important to maine down to adjacent a spiritual level, which I accidental successful the peculiar due to the fact that it truly feels similar that quality transportation is ne'er stronger for maine than erstwhile I’m connected signifier and I was not capable to tolerate that transportation with myself, due to the fact that my encephalon could ne'er stop.

You wanted to clergyman astatine 1 point. How are priests and comedians similar?

Well, I deliberation the full constituent is that organized religion, doctrine and stand-up drama connected their champion days are each meant to lick the aforesaid question, which is, “What are we doing here?” and “How does it consciousness to beryllium here?” And so, like, the funniest gag and the champion sermon person truthful overmuch overlap. I deliberation that what’s large astir stand-up is that it isn’t needfully organized into the institution that is besides God, Inc., that is trying to merchantability you thing astir however you’re a atrocious person, oregon you request to beryllium doing beingness this way. And truthful for me, I consciousness similar it’s actually, it’s like, the aforesaid job, but with little intersexual abuse.

“As I’ve been dating — and I started successful my teens — I’ve ever felt similar I was trying to find idiosyncratic who could support up with me, and what I yet realized is that actually, cipher can,” Esposito said. “They conscionable didn’t person those chemicals successful their brain.”

(Christina House / Los Angeles Times)

I decidedly thought to your constituent that being capable to captivate an assemblage and springiness them a connection and marque them person it and besides bash thing with it is beauteous similar. It’s astir similar 2 parallel paths that conscionable hap successful antithetic buildings — a religion oregon a drama club.

This is existent passim stand-up, determination are comic jokes, similar determination are radical who are really, truly comic and who tin transportation disconnected jokes astir TV that they watch, or, you know, similar a chunk astir the day, and the jokes truly work. But I deliberation that thing that stands the trial of clip are similar those specials, similar [George] Carlin, you know, that are truly astir this bigger question, and they reply it with an arc. Bo Burnham has done specified a large occupation with this, Hannah Gadsby, similar each of those specials that I deliberation volition person a lasting effect and alteration the creation form, are these specials that are benignant of similar sermons, they person a point.

You’ve ever been large connected celebrating practice successful your drama — whether it’s diverseness successful intersexual orientation, oregon gender. How does talking astir intelligence wellness besides assistance drama turn arsenic an creation form?

Years ago, I utilized to get asked the question, “Why bash you speech astir being gay?” It was the champion question ever, due to the fact that it’s like, well, I speech astir being cheery for the aforesaid crushed that these different comics speech astir being straight, due to the fact that it’s what’s happening successful my life. I don’t person stroke occupation jokes due to the fact that that’s not a immense portion of my life. And I consciousness similar the happening has conscionable been that I’m talking astir my beingness and I’m being honest, and I person recovered that determination are a batch of radical who don’t spot themselves successful different comics oregon connected TV elsewhere. And it was thing that I didn’t truly expect erstwhile I archetypal started. I knew determination weren’t a ton of radical similar maine that had mainstream occurrence erstwhile I started 20 years ago, I didn’t cognize however overmuch it would impact different radical to spot me. I person since had the accidental to conscionable a batch of radical who person fixed maine a batch of feedback and accusation astir what it means to them and I’m funny to spot however this peculiar volition beryllium received, due to the fact that it’s a caller country that I’m talking about.